Know Your Stars: FINAL FANTASY X
by BalthierFlare
Summary: Next up: D O N A. Watch, er...READ as the cast of FFX is relentlessly interrogated or embrassed or even harrassed by the almighty perso-thing. Randomness. Fun. You should read it and review. That'd be good. Free cyber cookies.
1. TIDUS erCLINTON?

**I don't own Final Fantasy…and I know this has probably been done before but, I really want to do this! R&R! I don't own Britney Spears songs either. Or the Mystery Machine! Sorry Bill Clinton I needed a name people knew! Ok….tired of lists, I don't own anything mentioned in here!**

**First up Tidus! **

**--**

**Know your stars, know your stars, know your star, Tidus has 5 bellybuttons!**

What??? No I don't! You are a freak!

**Suuuuuuuuuure…Tidus his middle name is "I'm a turd face with 5 bellybuttons**!"

You are DISGUSTING! Get a life! Plus that's really long to be a middle name!

**Look who's talking…Ahem…Tidus' favorite color is 5 bellybutton!!!**

What the crap?! You don't make any sense! How is that a color?!

**It's beautiful….anyway, Tidus, he's dressed up as a hula girl with Wakka and they performed, "Oops I did it again" at Luca Stadium.**

Ok! That was a one time thing!

**Really? I thought you did it at my birthday party? Anyways…..Tidus is a 5 bellybutton hula dancing rat man!**

Does it look like I'm one? I bet you look like that, you tormenting freak!

**Oh, my heart it hurts! NOT! I'm actually quite good looking if I do say so myself. Tidus, he's going to die by getting run over by The Mystery Machine!**

What is that? If I never leave my house…I won't get run over!

**You left it now, rat man! Hahaahahahhahahahaahaha! Fred, push the petal to the metal! Tidus, he is actually Bill Clinton in disguise!**

(tilts head sideways) Who? I don't think I'm anyone in disguise! You are though! Lulu! Get out of there!

**I'm not anyone who you think I am, Bill.**

SHUT UP!

**Tidus or Bill, loves to dip marshmallows in the toilet, "accidentally" drop it down Seymour's shirt and tell him to eat it!**

Good idea!

(Tidus flips off Seymour, who was in the studio audience)

Voice from Audience: I'll get you, rat man with 5 bellybuttons! (Seymour)

**Tidus…..he's originally from Tennessee and loves to listen to "White n' Nerdy!" and the song was about him!**

That is…..ugh! HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!!! (flips off the audience, little girls run crying, "There is a scary man, mommy!")

**Tidus, those moms are out to get you!**

Well tell them to EFFFFFFFF off!!!!!

(A mom from the audience throws a mushroom pizza, hitting Tidus directly in the face)

OMG! THIS IS ANNOYING! (wipes cheese from his nose)

**TIDUS IS PICKING HIS NOSE! EVERYONE LOOK!**

(audience looks to Tidus who is wiping the cheese and mushrooms from his face. He looks up to the glaring audience and sticks his tongue out)

**Tidus, don't you know not to pick your nose and eat it! Picking your nose is bad enough!**

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm gonna go insane! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

(Tidus runs to the nearest door, labeled 'him' and pulls on the handle)

**You don't have to go insane! Oh, by the way the door only opens from the insid**e!

WHAT!? What kinda door is that? (sits back down, eye twitching)

**Tidus, his clothes are from Limited Too!**

(the audience points and laughs)

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Humiliation level….too high….ugh…

Tidus falls out of the chair, passed out, his mouth foaming

**Know you know, Tidus or Bill who is now going to get run over by the Mystery Machine!**

_We see Fred driving the Mystery Machine with Daphne in the passenger seat, they drive into the room. They keep driving even after they hear a BUMP! Daphne says, "What was that?" Fred, "Nothing important."_

(I didn't kill Tidus, they ran over the chair!)

--

**Was it good? Tell me in the reviews! Who next?**


	2. BIG BUTTSRIKKU

**Hello! This chapter is for Rikku! I had a request so, here you are. Enjoy and please review!**

**--**

Rikku walks up to the chair, noticing it is on the floor, bent and misshapen. The scent of burning rubber fills the air.

Uh? Some help here?

**Oh sorry.**

(chair magically appears) Yeah. Thanks. (sits down)

**Know your stars, know your stars, know your star; Rikku is afraid of grandma's with big butts.**

What?! That's just gross….

**You're afraid they'll smother you!**

So…?

**You're a wimp!**

No I am not! (Folds arms and looks to the side with a "Humph!")

**Yeah you are.**

No, I am not.

**Yes you are.**

No.

**No you are not not.**

Yes…?

**You are confusing.**

Me..? Confusing? Ha.

**What?**

Argh!

**Whatever. Rikku, she likes to attack old men with butter knifes.**

Why would I do that? ….Though it does sound funny….(Holds hand up to chin, in thought)

**You need to learn to respect your elders! And not by stabbing them with dull knives!**

Again…why would I do that?

**Because you are afraid of their wives big butts.**

No, I am not!

**Yeah sure.**

Yeah sure, stupid.

**Whatever.**

Whatever, stupid.

**Rikku, guess what? **

OOH!I like these kind of games!

**THUNDARA!**

EEK! WAIT! I am not going to get hurt, I am not afraid anymore!

**THUNDAGA!**

EEEK! (Lightning strikes an audience member in a wheelchair, Tidus runs over to the person to find it is: Seymour. Seymour yells, "I'm not dead yet!" Tidus smacks him and he responds with, "OK! I get it! I'm ready, come o' bright light…..I hope they have soy sauce in heaven!")

**Off topic again. Rikku, she washes her face with coal and potatoes.**

No, it's actually pear bottoms and hot sauce.

**Doesn't it hurt?**

The burn means its working! Like on those Listerine commercials!

**Um, that's not necessarily true, dummy.**

Um, well it works see? (Turns to the audience who goes, "Oooh, Ahhh!" Tidus shouts, "Apple skin and spaghetti sauce is waaaaay better!")

Not uh, you turd burglar!

**OK! Enough fighting children! If you don't stop I'll turn this vehicle around!**

(Everyone stops and turns towards Rikku.)

**Rikku, her Mix overdrive is WORTHLESS!**

No it isn't! WATCH!

**Whatever it is, it sounds stupid, "Potato Masher!" I'm gonna hit you in the head with a potato masher!**

UGH! Well, I got sumthin' better! Watch this!

(Rikku throws a piece of bologna and a roll into the air, "HaHA! MIX!" Rikku sits down, satisfied with the concoction.)

**It's a……..sandwich.**

YUP! (She takes a bite.) A good one at that! Anyone got mayonnaise? (Yuna throws a packet at her)

**Well, everyone she just made a sandwich, you know what that means, right?**

(The Audience shouts, "What?!" Tidus says: "She can't go swimming for an hour!")

**NO! She's got enough energy to….**

I feel rejuvenated! Like I could narrowly escape being crushed by a boulder!

**Just what I was thinking! Except the escape part!**

I'm fine with the—HOLY BOB SAGET! (A boulder falls from the ceiling, Rikku starts sprinting away, and Tidus throws a pizza at her face, so she can not see. She dramatically trips like in all those horror movies when the main girl trips and lies there, not attempting to get up while the murderer sneaks up behind her. But this time, the murderer was a big brown thing, a boulder.)

**Oh my, BOULDER PATROL! Someone is being attacked!**

(Rikku stands, wiping the pizza off, and runs towards Tidus. The boulder follows them wherever they run. Tidus shouts: "I have an idea!" He runs to Seymour, who is still shouting, "COME BRIGHT LIGHT!" Tidus throws the wheelchair in front of the boulder. It stops.)

**NOOOO!!! You've defeated my boulder! How could a rat man with five bellybuttons do this?!**

Yey! (The audience claps and fanfare plays both Tidus and Rikku doing their winning pose.)

**Boldy, I'm sorry. I couldn't…**

(Rikku looks to the bolder, which is crying.)

Am I going insane?

**No, you were already insane.**

PHEW! (Wipes sweat from forehead)

**Um, yeah. Awkward! Rikku she is secretly in love with Peyton Manning.**

Peyton Manning?

**You idiot Spirans! You don't know anything!**

Yes we do!

**Like what, using overdrives to create a deli?**

How did you--? YOU MUST READ MINDS!

**Yes, I do.**

Seeriously?

**Yes. **

What am I thinking now? (Rikku closes her eyes then makes weird grunting noises)

**I'm receiving waves…**

(The audience shouts, "WHAT IS IT?")

**Transmitting….**

(Audience: WHAT IS IT?!?!?!")

**Rikku is thinking about….**

(Tidus: TELL US OR ELSE!)

**Rikku is thinking that a perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich has equal portions of peanut butter and jelly, exactly fifty-fifty no more, no less. Oh, but more importantly that she really wants mayonnaise. And she needs to wash her underwear.---**

STOP! (Rikku is hyperventilating, and holding a potato masher up to Seymour's head.)

ONE MORE WORD AND HE'S DONE!

(Rikku tightens grip on the potato masher while Seymour gulps.)

**Kill him.**

(Rikku looks wide eyed, then says, "You remember saying that, eh?" She then shoves the potato masher into a bowl of potatoes, saying, "HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!" Seymour looks relieved and says, "NO LIGHT I'M NOT READY!")

**Where are apples?**

(Everyone looks around, Rikku shouts, "IT'S A SAYING IDIOTS!")

**Ok, Rikku, this is getting to be tedious.**

So?

**I just want those mashed potatoes. They have to be cooked, ya know? Gramma Fatty Lumpkins will smother you if you don't finish smashing them soon enough!**

AHHHHH! (Rikku rushes, and then hands the bowl to some random person in the audience.)

**Are they good?**

(The person whips a spoon out of their pocket and scoops a hunk of potatoes, "THEY ARE LUMPY!")

**RIKKU I AM ASHAMED!!**

(Rikku looks away)

**Oh well, Gramma, you know what to do!**

NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! (Rikku runs around in circles, while an obese lady stands up in the audience)

**You must complete your purpose of living, Gramma.**

(The old lady nods the slowly walks down the aisle to Rikku, who is still running in circles.)

**Wow, going slow enough, Lady?**

("I'LL TAKE MY TIME SONNY!" The lady shakes a fist at the ceiling then continues strolling down the aisle.)

_-20 minutes later-_

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAH! (Rikku is still running around in circles when Gramma reaches her, Rikku stops then realizes how dizzy she is and collapses. Gramma: I didn't even touch her and the young 'un fell….oh well… (she turns around and walks home)…)

**Now you know Rikku the girl that is afraid of old women's butts.**

ThhheeeEEEEyyYYY AArrEEE HHuuugggGGGEEEeeeee!

**--**

**So?! This was sooooo weird. STAY TUNED and REVIEW! Who is next?**

**My list of people left to do are:**

**-Yuna**

**-Auron**

**-Wakka**

**-Seymour**

**-Lulu**

**-Fayth**

**-Kimahri**

**-Jecht**

**-Barthello**

**-Dona**

**Review!!! XD**


	3. Hello Kitty? YUNA!

**Now it's time for YUNA! Please Review! I have ideas for the ending! (Hehehehehehehhehe!)**

**--**

**Know Your Stars, know your stars, know your star; Yuna is attracted to trolls and potbelly pigs!**

What? I'm not sure that is completely true, sir.

**Yuna sure loves them!**

No, I'm not sure what you mean.

**Yuna just farted!**

May Yevon praise you, too!

**Yevon praises by allowing you to fart?**

Huh? (Tilts head sideways)

**FARTING ROCKS!**

Excuse me, sir….is this appropriate? (Looks to rating)

**Of course not! **

Oh, I'm sorry I asked.

**Okay…Yuna those trolls, even though you love them, they don't love you.**

What? (Yuna looks around)

**They're right behind you.**

(Yuna turns to the audience to see a group of trolls with grins on their faces. Some are waving; others are shaking fists while the remaining grab their clubs.)

**Trolls, mind your manners!**

(Yuna turns around, wide eyed. The trolls jump up and land on their potbelly pigs and ride towards Yuna.)

**Holy Bob Saget!!! They're coming right at you!**

(Yuna stares at them then summons Shiva, who casts Diamond Dust! OVERKILL appears)

**Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun DUuuun!**

That was a good fanfare! (Yuna does winning pose then audience claps)

**Good times…er…**

Yes, YESSS!!!!!(Audience continues clapping, an announcer states: Yuna gains 7 sphere levels, yay!)

Thank you, thank you! (Yuna bows)

**Ok, shut up! **

(Everyone stops)

I'm sorry……

**GOOD! Ok, Yuna she is HELLO KITTY IN DISGUISE!**

Hello Kitty is so cute!

**Stop bragging!**

(Yuna stops, and looks around, her eyes welling)

**Um, sorry?**

I'm fine! Humph! (Yuna folds arms)

**Yeah sure, need a hug, Hello Kitty?**

I'm not Hello Kitty, I'm Yuna.

**Yeah, how would you know?**

I'm not stupid!

**Yeah….about that….you're the one that said it.**

What? I am not stupid! I am intelligent!

**Whoa! Big word! You don't know how to spell it do you?**

Intelligent, I-N-T-E-L-L-I-G-E-N-T! Ha!

**Good job, except you read those note cards!**

(Yuna looks back to Tidus, who quickly puts the note cards away, he shouts: "I wasn't that obvious!")

**I thought he….wait never mind. Except oh…yeah, lost my train of thought. SAILOR BUBBA.**

Huh?

**Yeah, oh, wait. Back to topic. Yuna is HELLO KITTY!**

AM NOT!

**Then what's that zipper for?**

To unzip my skirt! So I can take it off!

**Yeah, it's so you can unveil your true self!**

NO IT ISN'T!

**Prove it!**

NO SICKO!

**Well, if you're not Hello Kitty, you must be a VAMPIRE!**

Vampire?

**Yes, like, 'I want to suck your blood!'**

Blood? Someone's bleeding! Who, who, who?!!!

**No one's bleeding, unless you bit them!**

WHY WOULD I BITE THEM?!

**Because you are a VAMPIRE!**

I am not!!!!

**Watch out audience members! Vampire on the loose!**

(The audience panics, and runs, Tidus in the lead, like always, is shouting, 'Don't bite me! My neck already hurts like I rubbed it with hot sauce on pear bottoms!')

**What? Hot sauce on pear bottoms? Never mind, VAMPIRE VAMPIRE VAMPIRE!**

Am not! (Starts crying)

**I'm sorry, Yuna…..I didn't mean to….**

(Looks up) Really?

**NO! HAHAHA CRY VAMPIRE YOU CAN'T GET ME!**

(Cries)

**Boring. Cry, cry, cry….blah, whine, and chili….it's all boring!**

(Cries)

**SHEESH YOU IDIOT STOP IT!**

(Yuna stops crying from fright)

**Yuna, (sigh), is…oh whatever, it's really not worth it…**

NO! I will go through the trials like everyone else must!

**Really?**

YES! (Looks to ceiling, triumphantly.)

**Heh Heh, Yuna she is boring.**

BORING?!

**Yes, boring. Like, yawn, this is a stupid chapter boring.**

WHY IS IT ME?! Why couldn't it be the Auron chapter?!

**Because….Tidus has five bellybuttons. That's not boring. **

I am not boring!

(Tidus: WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!!?)

**Yeah, you're a summoner, that's boring.**

IS NOT! There is a ton of---

**Boring stuff when you're a summoner named Yuna.**

NO THERE ISN'T!

**There once was a person named Yuna and she was B-O-R-I-N-G! No note cards either!**

I AM NOT BORING! I can spell boring without note cards, too!

**Sure, but if you did it'd be boring.**

NO IT WOULDN'T BE!

**This is boring….. (Footsteps)**

HEY! HEY! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!

**--**

**So? Please review! My list is as follows:**

**-Wakka**

**-Lulu**

**-Auron**

**-Jecht**

**-Fayth**

**-Dona**

**-Barthello**


	4. ARGH! DONA!

**This is…drumroll DONA!**

**--**

Dona walks to the chair, Yuna still sitting shouting, "I'M NOT BORING! COME BACK HERE!" Dona glares at Yuna, then screeches in a tremendously high pitched tone, "GET OUT OF MY SEAT! NOOOOOOWW!" Yuna's eyes are wide and she bursts into tears, fleeing from the enraged Dona. Dona then sits, arms folded, clearly irritated.

**Know Your Stars, Know your stars, know your star, Dona REALLY needs anger management**!

NO I DON'T! ARGH! ARGH! ARGH!!!!

**I told you so….**

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! DON'T SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!!!

**GAWD! WHAT'S UP YOUR FAT BUTT?!**

WHAT'S UP YOUR LAZY BEEP?!?!

**What did you say?!**

WHAT IS UP YOUR AMAZINGLY LAZY BEEP?!?!

**OK! THAT'S IT!!!**

Whatcha gonna do, chicken?!

**I'm gonna HURT YOU!**

I don't think you'd dare!

**What? Is that lump of muscle gonna stop me?!**

BARTHELLO! PROTECT ME!

**He can't protect you! All he can do is pick his nose!**

YES HE CAN! (Looks to Barthello, "I TOLD YOU TO STOP DOING THAT!!!")

**Yeah, uh-huh. Dona, her favorite thing to do is eat Chick-Fil-A milkshakes!**

NO IT ISN'T!!

**But you certainly love the delicious whipped cream atop. **

NO I DON'T!!!

**Yes you do.**

NUH-UH!

**YES you do.**

NO I DON'T!!!

**YES YOU do.**

NO I DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**YES YOU DO!**

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHUT UP YOU LAZY DONKEY!

**BWAHAHA! DONKEY?! Quit saying rude comments to yourself!!**

ARGH! SHUT UP RETARD!!!

**Didn't your shrink tell you to stop making fun of yourself?**

WHAT SHRINK?

**Ohhhhh, I mean "therapist". That's what they call themselves around patients' right?**

HUH?! WHAT THERAPIST?!

**You know, Dr. Dincht!**

NO I don't!

**He helped you during your problems with….that…ahem….giant.**

I'VE NEVER HAD A THERAPIST NAMED DR.DINCHT!!!

**But you have had a therapist!**

NO! I HAVE NOT!

**Oh well, next topic. Dona, is it true that you sold your self on the street corners of Bevelle?**

WHAT?! NO I---!

**DID THAT WHEN I WAS YOUNG!**

NO!!!!!

**Yes, because you are old now, just face it!**

NO I AM NOT!

**Um, yeah. How many plastic surgeries has it been? 67?**

NO!

**Oh, my mistake. It's 73!**

SHUT UP!!!!!

**No wonder your skin color is getting lighter, leaning towards a Michael Jackson look?**

(Crosses arms)

**I can see the resemblance!**

HMPH!

**Don't you agree audience?**

(Audience members look to each other than nod. Tidus shouts, "SHE HAS THE SAME NOSE!!")

**Ahh, I see what you mean!**

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH! SHUT UP!

**But it is true!**

RAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! (Starts stomping around the stage)

**Okay…Dona needs to get a new outfit...**

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS? (Pulls on one of the various strings that hold her top up, it goes "BOING!" then breaks, almost exposing something….)

**Well, THAT. And the only thing that's actually covered up is your arms and EARS!**

SO WHAT?!

**OLD PEOPLE SHOULDN'T WEAR SKIMPY OUTFITS!! IT'S GROSS!**

RAAAAAAAAGGHHH! RAGE! FURY BURNS INSIDE ME! (Audience members look to each other, "Yeah! She should get a new outfit!" Tidus says, "I'll get her new outfit and give the old one to Wakka! He likes those kind of clothes!" The audience looks at Tidus, arching an eyebrow. "WHAT?! IT'S TRUE!")

**Well! DONA wants to audition to be a playboy bunny!**

NO! I------UGH! I DO! SO WHAT?!

**Tsk, tsk. Naughty, naughty! Your parents would be SOOO ASHAMED! HOW DARE YOU?!**

PSHAW!!!!!

**Pfffttt...Pshaw??**

SO WHUT?!

**Old geezers these days…**

I AM NOT OLD!

**You are…hmm…extremely old, had a ton of plastic surgeries, want to become a playboy bunny, love milkshakes, need a new outfit, have a shrink, need anger management, and well, look like MICHAEL JACKSON!**

STOP IT! THEY ARE ALL LIES! LIES, LIES, LIES!!!!!!!!!! (Dona starts stomping around, falls on the floor, starts banging her hands on the floor and kicking her legs.)

**I'm not going to say anything….except…SHE NEEDS ANGER MANAGEMENT!**

By now Dona was so infuriated her face was extremely red all over. It looked like the veins were going to pop out of her neck and forehead.

**WHOA! GAWD! WHAT IS SHE A 3 YEAR OLD?!**

("She doesn't LOOK like one!" Tidus responds. She has now punched and kicked holes in the marble flooring. The audience walks away murmuring, "GAWD! ANGER MANAGEMENT!" To this Dona gets up, and sprints after them, screaming no particular words. Tidus watches with one arched eyebrow. Dona turns around after beating those audience member's heads in, she sees his face and runs after him. "AHHHHH!" Tidus screams like a little girl and runs away, making it out safely. Dona returns to the chair and sits, then decides to decimate the chair and starts throwing another fit.)

**Now you know Dona the old, plastic surgery lady who needs anger management, along with an outfit.**

WHAT?!(Stops throwing a fit for a second)

**NOTHING! (fast paced footsteps)**

**--**

**Hope you enjoyed it.**


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